and i am lingering in the doorway
waiting for him to come down the hall
waiting for him to come
waiting for him
6 times in which i hide my mouth with my sleeve and choke on the past tense like it is poisonous
and i am watching shadows flicker
staring at the empty space shaped like him
staring at the empty space
staring
5 times i look through family photos like they are someone else’s
and i have this recurring dream where
he comes back and says it was all fake
waking up to the silence of absence
waking up to the silence
waking up
4 times i sit amongst my classmates, holding a tattered Father’s Day card i will throw away when i get home
and i think about that day a lot
like it just happened, like i haven’t changed
i remember and i don’t know if i want to forget
i remember and i don’t know
i remember
3 times my friends talk about dads and i hope i am not chosen to speak up
and i beat around the bush all i can
but sometimes i want to scream death
out of my window like a madwoman
i am not embarrassed or ashamed
i am not embarrassed
i am not
2 times where i consider making a joke about it but i know my tears will dampen the punchline
and i want to let it all go
but the past lingers and rightfully so
seasons change and i am alive and breathing
seasons change and i am alive
seasons change
1 time where i meet someone and they don’t know what i am and i don’t ever want to tell them
and i mourn someone i don’t fully remember
but maybe that’s why i am doing it
i don’t dream about him anymore
i don’t dream about him
i don’t dream
Ioana Bosneaga (she/her) is a sixteen year old writer living in Ireland. She enjoys things such as musical theatre and sitcoms. You can find her on Instagram: @heartshapedioana.